Small, powerless, voiceless, terrified, useless, incompetent, invisible. Words that depicted my life, my feelings, my flight of emotions and whirlwind that led me down, down a dark path. A lonely place, where smiles faded and tears were the norm. Five years of my life, disintegrated the moment I said enough and we finally broke up, one last time. I cried. I felt like I was suffocating, I couldn’t breathe. A piece of me had died. Clueless of who I was , what I wanted in life. Dreams, desires? I had none, it all faded, vanished , as if my identity was taken from me the moment we broke up. As if he owned it and I was left with nothing but the awful feeling of being on my own. Single. A word that would make me cringe and stir up fear by the thought of being alone. How could it be that I couldn’t stand my own presence . How much could I hate myself , or was it the fear of looking inside and finding nothing. Nothing to hold on to. Nothing of value. Scared of not appreciating what I’d find.
I sat, I slept, I cried, I knew I had made the right decision of letting go, but why did I have to feel so miserable? But life moved on , days passed by and little by little I picked myself up. Finding comfort in the smile of my family, friends, the wind through my hair and the sun on my skin as I ran. I found peace in the slow, smooth movements through yoga and vision of my breath as i meditated. Soon I found joy as I painted, laughs as I danced, and connection as I cooked. I tried it all, I did it all… All to bring myself up and learn to love myself.
Now I’m caught up in a drift, feeling. Lonely, sad and drained ..and then, I remember .. I’ve been here before .. No longer is this a new path, a different journey or unknown grounds…I’ve been here once before and as low as I felt, I picked myself up and raised myself high… I guess it’s not until we truly pick up on our lessons that we are able to move on to the next chapter, a higher level, a better place.. But not until we choose to learn from our past… And so I remembered … I’ve been here once before. #iwritesometimes #eswritings #bali #kutabeach #sunsets